Today’s Dispatch: And The Law Won

This post is brought to you by Colin Farrell.   

(It was either this or “Paul Revere” by the Beastie Boys, but Colin Farrell wins every single time.)

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This is neither here nor there, but I came close to rewriting an actual movie during my stressed-out phase.

I don’t want to spoil what it is – because I’m ashamed to admit where I got the source material (oh, fine: it’s a comedy) – but it does involve grunge music, ’90s fashion, marijuana, and meta-humor. And the main female character is – surprise! – a Mary Sue type named Iris, who was never in the original movie at all but shows up at a class reunion as a goody-goody former honor student and MIT graduate until she’s exposed as a dangerous hacker who takes the motto “IHTFP” very, very seriously.

Here’s the confrontation scene she has with the main male character (and uber-cliched canon protagonist) Mark, after she admits to being a hacker.

You got this whole reunion business wrong, Mark. You can’t just get stoned and throw a tantrum to piss people off, because that’s what everybody expects you to do by being a drunk-ass fool at your age… it’s so mainstream, you know? And there’s nothing more mainstream than being the same person that you used to be at 18, pulling all sorts of shit out of boredom. Well, guess what? The good shit was never in the mainstream. 

(Then they have loud sex in the faculty lounge before blowing up the school together and riding off into the sunset with the Escalade they stole from Iris’ snooty ex-boyfriend, who also happens to be Mark’s enemy from high school. Haha!)

The weird thing is that – like Claire and Michael, or Elle and Gavin – I like this pairing between Iris and Mark, and I would totally write this story if it wasn’t, you know, blatantly unoriginal. I do know I’m going to workshop the living hell out of this one, though, so the question remains: How else should I write this?

EDIT: Looks like I might write this after all. Except that Mark, like Michael Grenoble and Christian Grey before him, will get a new name… and a Proust Questionnaire! Sorry, (rightfully) obscure source material! 

Love, Stella

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Stella Torres

is the author of the adult contemporary romances Save the Cake, Crushingly Close, and Nine Years Away, as well as the short story “Be Creative” in the anthology Kids These Days: Stories from Luna East Vol. 1.

In her previous life, she has worked in public relations, taught English as a second language, and even attended graduate school (twice!). She has lived in Indonesia, Honolulu, and Quezon City before moving back to her hometown of Los Banos, a few hours’ drive (with traffic) from the heart of Manila.

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